Why does Mad + Embarrassed + Public = Crying for me? What a frustrating, useless reaction! If I’m mad and embarrassed in public the last thing I want to do is cry! Then, in a situation where I’m probably already looking pretty stupid, I end up looking even more stupid. Thanks a lot, emotions!
Example:
Yesterday I boarded the bus, like I do every morning and evening. I flashed my bus pass at the driver and started toward a seat when the driver started shouting at me, “Hey! Hey, you! Lady! That pass won’t work!”
I found this really surprising because I have been using the pass twice a day, every day, since the beginning of the July and this was the first I heard that anything was wrong with it. I came back to the front of the bus and asked him what he was talking about.
He said, “That’s a 2-3 zone pass. This is Zone 1. You can’t use that pass, lady.” I looked at the pass and, lo and behold, he was right. Somehow I hadn’t noticed all month that it was the wrong pass.
I said, “Oh, wow. Yeah, I’ve been using this since the beginning of July and I never noticed it was the wrong zones.”
His response: “You can’t use that pass, lady. This is Zone 1.”
So I said: “Yeah, I know it’s Zone 1. I guess I bought the wrong pass. I never go to Zone 3. I only use it in Zones 1 and 2.”
He said, “You’re gonna have to pay extra for an All Zone.”
I could tell my face was starting to get red and I was probably raising my voice a bit. I think it was his constant use of the word lady and the way he was eyeballing me like I was a con artist or something. “Seriously?” I said, “Because I’m only going to Zone 2. I paid for a Two Zone Pass, I just got the wrong one.”
“30 cents” he said.
So I said “fine” and dug in my wallet for change. I dumped a quarter and a nickel in the machine and he tore off a transfer for me. I wouldn’t be getting a transfer if I was just allowed to use my pass, so it struck me as the ultimate insult. He tried to hand it to me and I loudly said “I don’t fucking need it!” and turned to take a seat only to find the whole bus looking at me. As I walked to the very back of the bus I could feel a huge knot forming in my throat.
I spent the rest of the ride pretending to do the crossword and trying to focus on not crying. Why oh why did my body think this was a good time for a cry?! I wasn’t sad! It really was not that big of a deal, and yet I was suddenly sniffling and blinking back tears!
I just don’t understand how this reaction could ever serve me well. I wish I could practice not crying under these sorts of circumstances, but they just don’t occur often enough! I think I’m doomed to never come off as tough and self-possessed and instead conclude every confrontation with blubbering.
Terrible.